How to Talk to Introverts: Open Letter to Extroverts5 minute read

Which statement below do you relate too?

When in a crowd …

• …you can go up to anyone, introduce yourself and start talking. No big deal.
• …you think, “Why would someone just go up to another person and talk to them? Especially if they don’t know the person. It is better to sit alone with my thoughts and pray nobody comes over to talk to me”.

If you are an introvert, you probably laughed at that because it hit close to home for you. If you are an extrovert, you probably felt kinda bad for the person that would relate to the second statement. Don’t feel sad. I’ll just feel bad for making you sad. We dwell on things like that.

Anyways…

As an extrovert, you probably find yourself at parties or other social gatherings trying to make a conversation with one of the “quiet ones” at that event. It’s probably not going so well. As you talk, they keep answering with one word responses like “yeah” or “really?” as they sip their drink and peak at their phone every few seconds, not really carrying any weight of the conversation. You might even feel like they secretly hate you. No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get anything out of them. The conversation seems to just be a hodge podge of awkward silences.

Before we go any further, if you are asking yourself “What the heck is an introvert?”, Read this post first to answer that burning question.

Introverts are complex beings. Believe it or not, we actually enjoy talking. We really do. But it can be difficult sometimes to get us to start talking.

So to help with that hurdle, I have put together a little list of 6 ways to talk to an introvert.

How to Talk to an Introvert

1. Avoid Small Talk

Introverts do not do well with small talk. Topics like the weather and asking how your weekend was are not good conversations starters (unless weather is their passion). We enjoy meaningful conversations where both parties will walk away with value of some sort. Try to find a common interest. Do this by asking questions. Introverts respond better to questions rather than open ended statements. Once you find something in common, go with it. You will find the conversation can go very deep if you found the right one. My best tip for you would be to talk about something that is important to you or meaningful to you in some way. An introvert will usually be good at picking up your passion for it and feeding off that energy. We are excellent listeners so don’t feel like you are talking too much. If we are interested in the conversation, we will enjoy listening.

2. Ask about their Experiences

After finding that common ground, while talking to an introvert, ask about the experiences they might of had on that certain topic. How did it impact their goal for it? What did they learn from it? How did it make them feel? These are some questions that can guide you. The point here is to find out what they enjoy about this topic and what makes them excited about it. An introvert will often go into great detail about topics they are passionate about. We don’t stay on the surface level for long.

3. Give them space

As an introvert, we need space in order to think. That means personal space and space in the conversation to speak. I know when I am talking to someone and they are in my personal space, all I can think about is how I want them to take a step back. I can’t follow the conversion, much less contribute to it. So make sure you are at least an arms length away. Also, giving us room to talk is important. If you just asked a question, give us time to respond. We always think before we speak. It is how we are wired. So be patient, the answer will come.

4. Don’t Interrupt

Interrupting is like invading an introverts personal space. We put a lot of thought into what we want to say, so not being able to say it hurts. I can’t tell you how many sentences I have started that will never be finished. Interruption is an introverts kryptonite. It will stop us in our tracks and you are not likely to get us back in the conversation. This happens more often in a group of three or more, so be aware of the conversation going on around you. If an interruption does take place, be mindful to go back to what the person who was interrupted was saying within a reasonable amount of time. They will be happy you did.

5. Show an Interest

Show a genuine interest in the conversation you are in. If you are not interested in the topic, we can sense it. We are like blood hounds when it comes to reading peoples interest in what we have to say. Do not pretend. If we sense you are not interested, the conversation can quickly come to a silent halt.

6. Be aware of the Numbers

What I mean by numbers is, Numbers of people in the group. The larger the group, the least likely it is we are going to talk. One to One conversations or a group of three are preferred. This allows for more intimate and deeper conversations, which is what we prefer. If we are in a larger group, take the initiative to give us the floor. Don’t pressure us into speaking, but present the opportunity if you notice we are trying to get a word in.

Please don’t mistake some the explanations above as weakness, shyness or social anxiety. Introverts are very independent and confident people. We don’t need conversation to make us happy. We just do conversion differently than most other people. But talking to an introvert isn’t as hard as one may think. Starting the right conversation is the hard part. But as long as you ask questions and avoid the small talk, you will be fine. Following the points above will lead to great conversation and possibly a life long friend.

If you found this post helpful, share it on social with your friends and pin the below graphic to your Pinterest board.

Travis Haines

Husband | Father | IT Guy | Blogger | Author and Creator of ChristianIntrovert.com wanting to encourage those who question their abilities in Christ. Don't let your Introversion define who you are and don't use it as an excuse to shut yourself out from the world.